The story, the way it really happened.

2011-07-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? I'm not one to share too much about myself, I'm never the weak one, I'm never the one to cry. But I think sharing my story will not only be helpful for other young girls but a part of the healing process for me.

When I was seventeen I met the guy whom I thought was "the one" for me. He made me laugh, I loved his family, and a temple marriage was first on our list. He met my family and he seemed to fit in, we did everything together. It was months before we did anything sexually. I was set on saving myself until I was married and I had explained that to him. But "Steven" (let's call him that for the time being) had been with almost 20 girls and I felt like sleeping with him was the only way to keep him around. And that is exactly what I did. Low and behold the one time we mess up I get pregnant. I remember lying in bed that night having a full on panic attack. I knew I was pregnant.

I missed two periods and I decided it was about time that I took a pregnancy test. I took three, all were positive. Not a faint line, it was very visible. I. Was. Pregnant. Oh wait, backtrack a day. The day before I found out I was pregnant I had found out that "Steven" was cheating on me. Not only had he been cheating on me, but this girl was my younger sisters age! She couldn't even legally drive a car! I ended our engagement right then and there. But I still called him the next day to take me to the store to buy pregnancy tests. I had truly thought that somehow this would all work out and that we would be a happy family.

That was not the case. I had tried for weeks to get "Steven" to talk to me about a plan. To help me figure out what we were going to do. Abortion, not even a thought. Adoption, never crossed my mind. Marriage, maybe. I still had the fantasy of us living a happy life, I thought that he would grow up and become a man. He RAN for the hills. He wanted nothing to do with his pregnant ex. He was too busy with his new girlfriend. So six months passed, "Steven" and I had probably talked about 4 times. He still refused to talk about our baby girl.

I was six months pregnant and I was barely even showing. But my mom noticed that I was gaining weight and I'm sure she had noticed that I wasn't having my period. We were talking randomly in her room one day and out of nowhere she just asked if I was pregnant. I froze, I had no idea what to say. I couldn't say it! If I said it, it was real! If my parents knew, it was really happening. She knew. My mom knew. It wasn't long before my mom started showing me blogs on adoption. I hated her at the time. I truly did, how dare she show me these?! She knows how good I am with babies, if I could take care of other peoples babies I pretty sure I could take care of my own.

The next week I went to the doctor, got insured, and went to LDS Family Services. I was pregnant. I could no longer fit into my size zero jeans, and my butt was out of control huge. I only had a few months to get my life together and a plan for my "Luna" baby. I called her my Luna baby because she was up all night. Not fun. I remember one night having terrible contractions and texting what I thought was "Stevens" number, it ended up being his mom. Great, now they know. She rushed over and had her sister be her translator. "Steven" and his family are from El Salvador and his parents speak little English. She was crying, I was crying. She said she was going to make her son step up and help me. Great! Now I will be able to make a plan! My daughter will have a family. "Steven" was upset at me because he didn't want his parents to know. Sorry buddy! I had no idea that he had changed his number or that he moved to another city. Awesome. But the next week we finally started talking. That lasted about a week. Apparently a pregnant ex wasn't fun for his new girlfriend. I was turning her off. Charming.

I was finally about eight months pregnant and everything, and I mean everything started at once. "Steven's" girlfriend just happened to go to school with some of my little sisters friends and they had heard that she was planning on stealing his ex's baby and raising her with him. Umm... NEVER! This is not a Lifetime Original Movie, you will get caught. I talked to "Steven" about it and he defended her. I knew from that moment on my daughters life was going to be chaotic and unstable. I had to find a family for her.

I went through about ten profiles and I picked two that I just wanted to meet. I didn't think anything would come of it, I just wanted it meet people and say that I tried. I still wanted to keep my baby. But I then met my this one couple and my opinion totally changed, I knew they were the ones for my daughter. I couldn't deny the spirit. I called them the day they went home for Christmas to tell them I had picked them. They only had a few weeks before I was due. My due date was January 20th. They scrambled but they got everything they needed for her. Everything was starting to fall into place.

The day before New Years Eve "Steven" and his parents decided to come over and to talk with me and my parents. They wanted to talk about what I had decided to do and what the plan was. Well, they didn't want to hear the answer. They were extremely upset when I had told them that I had decided to place her but to have an open adoption where we would still see her. They actually said that I should give her to them if I didn't want her. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I didn't want them knowing anything. He wasn't allowed in the hospital room, he was not to know when I had her. I know for a fact that they would have kidnapped her. I no longer felt safe.

All while this was happening my body was retaining water and my doctor told me that I had preeclampsia. I thought nothing of it until my feet wouldn't fit into shoes and I started having shoulder pains and throbbing headaches. The doctor started having me come in twice a week, sometimes three. I was stressed out and I supposed to be on bed rest but I refused. I had some after Christmas sales I needed to get to!

Everything was quiet for about a week and a half, I hadn't heard anything from my ex and things with the adoptive parents were great. They understood the type of adoption I wanted and the kind of relationship I wanted with my daughter. Even though I was mad at my ex, I still wanted him a part of our daughters life. I kept telling him that he could see her and that his parents could see her too! But they literally said that it was all or nothing for them. And they chose to have nothing. There was nothing I could do at that point. They were all adults and I couldn't make them do anything.

It was Sunday the 9th, I was watching David Tutera my parents were making homemade onion rings and ribs and I started having terrible back pain. My contractions were terrible! But I refused to go to the hospital because I still had another week to go! I refused to let her come early. No, no, NO! I needed time! I had a doctors appointment on Wednesday, I would be fine until then? Well I lasted that long, I had been in labor for three days. My doctor was PISSED! He was not happy with me. He told me to head straight the hospital, he actually wanted me to go in an ambulance. Umm... Thank You no! I needed to go home, grab some things and then head over. My mom dropped me off while she went and picked up my dad from work. I knew it was going to be about two hours. I refused to get an epidural until my mom was there.

I was totally calm. I knew everything was going to work out. Labor did not scare me one bit. I was ready. My parents finally got there and we called my aunt and uncle to head over so I could get a blessing. I don't remember much after that so I can't really say. I got an epidural and something to make me not so nauseous. Well, it turns out that what they gave me is also something to help you sleep. Great. Wonderful. Because of that I don't remember pushing, I don't remember being wheeled into the operating room, I don't remember seeing her for the first time. I do remember waking up at eight in the morning in a different room and a much smaller belly. I missed everything. I was robbed. I will never be able to go back and relive the birth of my first child.

Once I realized what was happening I asked the nurse to bring my baby in. When she wheeled her in froze, this was real. I had a baby. She was awake and very content. I picked her up and held her for 30 minutes sobbing. I couldn't go through with it! I loved her too much. She was mine. There was a special bond that her and I had already. She knew me, she knew my heart beat. My parents and her adoptive parents came by an hour later and got to spend some time with her. I was grouchy but I asked the couple to come back later that night. Everything seemed alright until 3 a.m. the next day when I heard a knock on my door and a doctor came in to inform me that my baby threw up bright green which was a sign of something very serious. He also decided to tell me that hopefully they catch it in time and that some babies die of this. Awesome. He was a winner. I was freaking out. I'm sure I called my parents about 100 times before they answered. I guess the phone was dead and they couldn't hear it. I called my case worker and my bishop. My case worker and bishop got there first. My baby had already been life-flighted to Primary Children's in Salt Lake. I have never been so terrified, I stepped into mommy mode. I asked my mom to go to the hospital with my baby so she could speak for me and be there for her. I didn't want her alone.

So while all this was happening somebody had told my ex that I had her. He came with his "posse" to the hospital and luckily security didn't let him in. I had no idea any of this was happening but my parents were upset. Not only did they come to the hospital but they went to my house and tried to threaten my parents. We had to file a police report. Not fun. But that next day I told my doctor that I didn't care but I was going to see my baby. I had to come back to the hospital but I needed to see her, to hold her. She looked so sad with all these tubes. They didn't know what was going on but they were pretty sure it was just a serious allergy to lactose. We were all praying that, that was it. That next day I checked myself out of the hospital, I needed time to be with my daughter.

Those days with her are extremely personal and very sacred to me. I just bonded with her, she knew my voice. She would turn her head when she heard me. I was keeping her. I had to. I came home to sleep and my parents and I talked for about a good two hours and my dad gave me a blessing. I knew what had to be done, I had to place her. The next day I signed papers and got to spend my last night with her. I didn't want to leave her.

There is no love like the love you can have for your child. I have never felt such pain, I would rather go through a million break-ups. The next few days were hard, I had to pretend like I was okay when I wasn't. But the couple and I decided that it was to be an open adoption. I see her often and I get pictures about every week. It has been almost seven months and I still have my moments. I can go in the shower and cry for a good 30 minutes. I know she is happy, her life is amazing. She loves her parents and they love her. I am still a parent, the first decision I made for her was for her to have a life! A life where she has two parents, she will be sealed in the temple. I can't wait to see her grow up. I can't wait to see her play with my next babies. This is the best I have felt in years.

...i have lots to say

The story, the way it really happened.